we need to learn how to grieve
our hearts are aching.
I was told to keep living

(or go through the motions)

I had suffered a great loss   of my innocence

the relationship with my birth parents was dead

but where was I to grieve?

there was no place and no space to grieve

my grief was on hold.

comfort.

How I lost my mum.


I was only one year old when I looked at my mum
the only one during my aunt's Weding to acknowledge my destress

She turned around
My heart lept for joy in great expectation

She laughed

In that moment I lost my mum
something in my heart died

My mum ceased to be my nurturer, my protector

but there was no time to grieve

mrs perp took me to her place to be sexually abused
in whatever form on that dreadfull night

My aunt got married - off to her honeymoon

I remember I was a mess that night and in the morning
they rationalised it was because I missed my aunt

it was because my birth parents failed to protect me
and they handed me over to preds when I had protested.





The day my relationship with my father died

I was two years of age. My mother was in hospital having given birth to my younger brother.
I don't know why I was sent to the perps house
when my grandparents were nearby

I recall one morning begging me to leave me in the care of my grandmother.

"It's too late to change the arrangement"  he protested

I said he could drop me off on the way
and he could tell mrs perp
then walk on to work.
he refused.

as we crossed the street that went up to my grandparents
I wondered if I could make a run for it

my heart sank
my last hope of escape just died

I recall how before that week
a photo I have shows I was happy
full of fun
adventure
boyish mischief

after I was distracted  

I had a flashback of my father collecting a mess
he didn't even notice

that day my relationship with him died

but I never had a chance to grieve
or to cry.

I lived in their house
but as I said to my brother recently "I wasn't there"